As you are by now well aware, all of us group home counselors are completely professional, always focused on the well-being of the kids. Ok, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration.
The truth is, like in any profession, the mind begins to wander sometimes. During the times we are with the kids, there is usually too much going on to lose focus. However, our weekly staff meetings can be some of the more mundane activities we face, so it is no wonder we need to find distractions to keep ourselves occupied.
At the moment, our staff is equally balanced between males and females - six of each. One of the inside jokes we males like to mention to each other is that it's very important to balance out the staff between guys and girls because not only can we exhibit proper family role models for the children, but it also gives us something interesting to look at as the shift wears on. And believe me, in an atmosphere where at any time you run the risk of getting assaulted, peed on, cussed at and spit on, just about anything that meets the minimum requirement of being the opposite sex qualifies as being interesting to look at.
Every Tuesday is staff meeting day. While the kids are at school, every staff who works on every shift comes in for 4 hours to discuss important issues, work on treatment plans, listen to social workers present new clients and examine our own effectiveness on the floor. ("On the floor" means working out in the open with the kids. The House Supervisor might use it like this: "Staff, please try not to cuss when you're out on the floor," or, if you're like Toby, you might say it while unlocking the door to the staff office, "Staff, I'm going to be off the floor for a few minutes," which means you're about to go take a dump.) Staff meetings are held at the large kitchen table around which we are all seated.
Just before one of the staff meetings, I was talking to Mel, one of my favorite teammates, in the staff office. Mel was closing his eyes and shaking his head, "Dawg, I'm not saying I'm gonna try to set the kids off so they blow out, but damn, dude, have you ever proned some kid with Trixie? (Trixie is a hot red-head) Blood, when that hottie bends over, just take a look back. Her pants sag down and her thong and all her shit is hangin' out for the whole world to see. Me and her proned Freddie's stupid ass this morning and I'm telling you...damn!" Mel didn't need to remind me, it's not like I never noticed this job's little rewards. Mel went on, "Dude, everybody's sitting down. Call me in two minutes."
"Mel, you're a fucking pervert, plus you're making me late." Actually I didn't mind.
Mel cringed and laughed as he walked out of the staff office and off to the staff meeting. After two minutes, I used the staff office phone to call the phone line in the kitchen. When it rang, I heard Mel jump up, "I'll get it!" I hung up just as Mel answered, "Hulla? Oh, let me check." He walked in to meet me in the staff office.
"Oh, man, blood, you gotta go out there to staff meeting!"
"Yeah, well that's the general idea, Mel," I laughed.
"Dawg, it's not just Trixie's thong, that crazy-ass bitch Leslie got one too, only leopard stripe, plus Katrina's wearing her lace red one."
"Mel, you're fucking crazy but I love you. We better go out."
As we walked out to take our places, I walked behind the women he was talking about and noticed that everything he described was true. Sad, but true. Life's little pleasures are amplified in this kind of environment.
Mel mentioned "Crazy-ass Leslie." She came aboard at Trixie's recommendation, but Trixie soon renounced her allegiance to Leslie. Trixie said she thought Leslie was cool at first, but she soon found out, as we all did that Leslie is a little unbalanced. Trixie told me that she started getting worried when they went out one night, went bar hopping and Leslie wound up dropping her pants and taking a piss out in the middle of a busy intersection. Later, Trixie would find Leslie in her house, uninvited, when she would come home from work. Now that Trixie has told Leslie that she's not allowed in her house uninvited, Leslie has taken up driving by the group home, slowing down and giving Trixie the evil eye, and driving off. And this is on Leslie's days off!
I had noticed that something was amiss with her when I pulled into work one afternoon and she burst out of the house yelling, "Stokie! My favorite person! I love you!" She ran up to me sat on my foot and hugged my leg. This woman was actually humping my leg. I thought for a second that it was nice that she had a crush on me and I felt a bit of an ego stroke. After all, she is kinda cute. But that thought was overcome by my next thought that this person thinks it's ok to greet someone by humping his leg, and not just that, but in public. "Oh Stokie, thank you so much for being you!"
"Leslie, you need to get the fuck off my leg. This isn't how normal people act. Get the fuck off."
"But you're my favorite person..." I shook her off my leg and she lay there in the street. "God, Stokie, you don't have to be like that..."
I walked into the house. Scott, a big, good looking baseball player was at the stove cooking what he liked to call "Sloppy Scotts," his version of Sloppy Joes.
I said, "Scott, I think that Leslie's fuckin crazy, man. Or she has a crush on me or something."
Scott put down his spatula and looked at me. "Aw, man! Don't tell me she humped your leg, too! I never had someone do that to me til now!"
It is in this context that after the staff meeting, I found myself with Mel and Toby discussing the Ultimate Group Home Counselor.
Mel was holding court. "Ok, if you put Trixie's ass together with Katrina's tits, that would be so dope."
"No!" said Toby. "Katrina's too damn lazy. Put Stephanie's ass with Trixie's tits."
"Yeah," said Mel. "She's got a nice little backyard. But she got to have a head, dawg."
Mel said, "Leslie's head, dude. Listen. Trixie's tits, you can't beat those. Stephanie's ass and Leslie's head. Stokie, how 'bout that? Leslie's head, what do you think?"
I said, "As long as it keeps it's fucking mouth shut, I'm ok with it."
"Cool," said Mel. "Then we got it. The Ultimate Group Home Counselor."
Later that afternoon, I was sharing the shift with Mel, Trixie and Leslie. It was our recreation hour and Mel and I were watching the activities from the back porch while Trixie was playing frisbee on the rec field and Leslie was watching a group of boys play basketball at the adjoining courts. We both happened to be watching as Leslie got up and walked over to a heavy, wooden baseball bat that had been left on the field. I thought that it was a good idea of her to remove it and keep it safely from the boys. She picked it up and walked over to a basketball that had also been left on the field. She picked up the ball, tossed it up in the air and swung at it. She missed. Undeterred, she tossed it up and swung again.
This time she hit it. The ball didn't move. The bat ricocheted back and slammed her in the side of the head. Mel and I ran down as we watched her lose her balance and fall to her knees. When we arrived she was bleeding from her ear.
She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and I heard that she had suffered a concussion. As time went on, I also heard that she had some kind of lack of balance condition and chronic headaches. I also heard that the worker's compensation payout for her was enormous.
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