Guru Lets Me In on a Joke

I pride myself on being able to get along with many different types of people, but I have to say getting along with Guru has been challenging from the very beginning. He has this very strange, "salt of the Earth" aura about him. He seems angry when he's not. He always wears sunglasses, even indoors. He yells, or slams down his hand on a table to begin a statement, then whispers the rest. The kids are both afraid of him and attracted to his mystical weirdness.

Guru taught me the expression "tip the house." If, say 4 or 5 kids are having tantrums at the same time, Guru would shout out, "Tip the house!" We would then know to bring all those kids into the Quiet Room together, as if we were tilting the house to one corner and the kids were marbles rolling into the Quiet Room, They would then receive the Guru treatment, which is about 2 hours of a silent Guru just staring as the kids would go through stages of yelling, fighting, and begging to come out and finally asking Guru if there was any way they could make up for their behavior as long as they could come out and relieve their overwhelming boredom.

Once, Guru was sitting with a few kids in the Quiet Room and I went to check in on him. I opened the door and found all the kids screaming and cussing at a seemingly oblivious Guru. Guru was wearing his "denim armor:" jean pants, denim longsleeve shirt, denim jacket, heavy black boots and a beanie cap.

I said, "Guru aren't you a little warm in here? Do you want to take a break?"

He exploded, "I LIKE IT HOT!" and then whispered, "No breaks. The only way to know what you're dealing with is when the kids are hot. It's the most productive part of the day. NO BREAKS!" and he just stared at me, or through me, from behind his sunglasses.

At the time I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but now, years of experience later, I do. For the most part, the kids repeat abusive behaviors that have been perpetrated on them, so when they have tantrums, or act out, it is usually a reflection of their previous abuse. When kids are "hot," the experienced counselor may realize that the kid is telling a story, in a strange way, of his life. He is letting you see the core of his turmoil.

It was a particularly "hot" time for a lot of boys across campus, so there was a lot of extra staff on hand to help out with the many outbreaks and eruptions of anger and violence. There were even a few administrators making the rounds, checking in and helping out. On this particular afternoon, Pete Post had dropped in and, since we had become "buddies" at the job fair, had decided to hang around with me as I prepared the boys a snack of chocolate pudding. Most of the boys were standing around the kitchen counter waiting as Pete Post was casually conversing with me.

"I think, to a large extent, that these fellows would respond in a much more healthy way during crises if their caretakers would display care and respect to them. Specifically, why do we put hands on, restrain and hold the kids down in order to teach them that fighting is wrong? Aren't we just perpetuating a cycle? These boys aren't unintelligent and if approached with intelligent and caring adults, they will respond in kind."

I said, "Okay Pete, but how long will the learning period be before the kids realize you are showing respect? Because that's the length of time that staff is going to be risking injury." I grabbed a banana. "Here, hand this to Richard."

Pete handed the banana to Richard. Richard was incredulous. "Why I gotta eat this? Gimme some pudding."

I said to Richard, "You know you have a week of snack restriction for stealing that box of Klondike bars and hiding them in your laundry basket."

Richard yelled at me, "I told you I didn't do that. My roommate set me up!"

"Next time you steal ice cream, eat it before it melts. That way next time staff does your laundry, we can't catch you with melted ice cream all over your clothes."

Richard exploded, "All y'all staff be lying bitches. I'monna hoo-ride this banana upside yo head, mutha-fucka!"

He was approaching Pete, banana held high. The rest of the boys quickly grabbed their puddings and got out of the way.

Pete said to Richard, "I think even you could agree that I cannot be the target of your ire."

Richard was about to hit Pete with the banana when, with a swiftness not seen in such big men, Guru appeared behind Richard and grabbed him by the arms.

"Not on my shift, not today." He looked at Pete. "Supervisor's office."

Pete followed Guru and Richard, who was flailing and trying to kick Guru, into the supervisor's office and shut the door.

One of the boys, Brian, said to me, "Stokie, have you ever been assaulted by a banana?"

Freddie, the sexual predator yelled from his permanent station, the living room table, "Whoa guy!"

Brian mumbled under his breath, "You fuckin' faggot, I didn't mean it like that."

I heard the door of the supervisor's office open up. It was Guru. He clapped his hands once, with surprising volume. "MR. JAYE!" He then spoke very softly, "I need some help with a problem. Can you assist me in here?"

I thought that they needed more help in restraining Richard, after all he was a pretty big kid. I ran over to Guru. "Let's go," I said as I opened the door and walked in.

I saw Pete Post and Richard both sitting on the couch. Pete sat with his legs folded with a smug, half-grin on his face. Richard was livid, red with anger. He had squashed the banana in his hands and had banana bits all over his hands and arms. He was yelling at Pete Post, "I'monna fuck you up bitch!" He hawked a loogie and spat in Pete's face.

I stepped forward in anticipation of Guru and I taking Richard and placing him in a prone restraint on the floor.
Just as soon as I moved, I heard Guru from behind me, "UH-UH. Come here."

He was in his familiar squat position. I was confused as to why Guru seemed uninterested in Richard's violence toward Pete. I though he liked it hot. I stepped over to him and turned to look at Richard and Pete Post.

Pete said to Richard, "You see Richard, I realize that you aren't really angry at me, are you?"

Richard scooped some banana bits from his arm and flung it into Pete's hair.

"I respect the fact that you are angry, however, spitting and throwing fruit at me will not address the issue."

Richard hawked another loogie and spat at Pete. It landed on Pete's purple, knit 80's tie.

"What I'm hearing you say is that you don't want a banana for snack." Richard spat at Pete, hitting him in the face.

"I hear your anger, Richard, and I respect it."

Hawk, ptew. Another face shot.

"This is no way to engage an adult, Richard. Now spit and banana can wash off easily. What's more important is that you know I care about you."

I said quietly, "What the fuck...?" I looked down at Guru who stared blankly at the proceedings. I looked at Pete Post who was being covered in spit and banana bits. I slowly squatted down with Guru. I whispered, "Looks like our hands-off approach still has a few bugs to be worked out."

Guru said, "You've already spent too much time off the floor. You got important things to do. Please inform our teammates that Pete Post is leading a seminar on the hands-off approach in here. I'm sure they would appreciate the education if you would ask them to rotate in here."

"It would be less than supportive of me to block our teammates from a teachable moment. I'll let them know right now."

It was a rare moment when I was able to appreciate Guru's subtle display of charm.